Tag: Mental Health

Is It Duty or Trauma In The Making

July 21, 2025
Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Rules do not always mean safety. In fact, they can cause the very harm we’re trying to prevent. To be told to be dutiful provides boundaries, but do they exist to keep us safe or to lock us in and be more vulnerable to danger? Duty is a heavy word, sometimes a powerful thing that fills our hearts with honor and reinforces a sense of community. It is a parent’s duty to care for their child. Yet, this same word can then be used to imprison a woman to fulfill her wifely duties.

When raised in duty, it is difficult to know if it is the elixir or the poison. People just automatically follow what they’re taught. But somewhere along the way, there’s a separation between what we’re told and what we want. When these two are misaligned but we’re forced to comply, duty is becoming something unhealthy. It’s important to know the difference. Otherwise, we can be pushed into doing things we may not feel are the best for us. We can integrate this forced way of seeing the world and then require that others comply with these same controlling views.

You might sometimes wonder how whole groups of people agree with some scary notion of how things should be. A classic example is Margaret Atwood’s book, The Handmaid’s Tale. A society of people thought that controlling girls and women should become the norm. This society believed that it is a higher power’s will for females to be stripped of power and be used for whatever their delusions thought necessary.

This is why we must stay vigilant in understanding the difference between duty and trauma. The definition of a word, a concept, a law, how a human being is labeled, should not be taken lightly. Protection of self means protection of others.

What Would You Say In A Letter to Your Parents?

June 30, 2025

What would you share if you could bare to? What would you write if you had the courage to tell your parents about all the sadness, the rage, the confusion, the joy? It doesn’t matter if they’re close by, whether you have a loving relationship, or a contentious or estranged one. Even if they’ve passed on, there will always be more to say. You may be wondering though, where you should even begin. With feelings colliding into one another like, it could feel paralyzing. 

It would help to start by identifying the emotions you feel. What would you want to tell them based on that? You can start small. You can start with gratitude. But you can also start with anger. It’s about where you are in your relationship. You can travel through one set of feelings to another very contradictory one, depending on how you truly feel.

I’ll be doing a guided series on writing letters to our parents, where I’ll prompt questions that help get to a place of increased clarity. Because when it comes to parents, it’s usually muddied with all the paradoxical feelings, in big waves, and sometimes emotions subconsciously hidden we didn’t even realize until pen meets paper.

Contact me for more info on my letter writing gathering. And let me know if you’ve ever written a letter to your parents. Did you give it to them or keep it? Maybe you burnt it, tore it up or hid it. Regardless, it’s a courageous thing to do and it can be a gift to yourself whether shared or not.

Take good care.

Three Ways to Recognize Cultural Trauma

March 12, 2025

Cultural trauma has harmed people deeply, overpowering how we operate, whether by society’s standards or family expectations, often an overlap of both. Here are some ways to understand whether it’s something that impacts you. If so, examine it so you can begin to heal.

  1. Separate cultural norms from trauma. Understand what you uniquely need according to who you are in dynamic ways, from a cultural perspective. What are the unique traits that define you in the community you’ve been a part of? What intrinsic interests do you have that are tied to your culture? These are the healthy aspects of cultural influence. Also identify the ways culture may feel restrictive and may even be harmful to your well being, sense of safety, and individuality.
  2. Pull apart what you know to be your beliefs versus society’s or family’s belief systems. Beliefs are deeply rooted and can be harder to pull apart versus understanding more tangible needs, such as what was mentioned in point one. We can be influenced by others’ perspective, especially family, but when families are enmeshed, meaning lack of clarity in how each person is different than the other in their own beliefs and views. Lines are blurred regarding what each person likes, wants and hopes for the future. This creates issues in setting boundaries and having others respect them.
  3. Notice how difficult or easy it is to disagree with cultural norms, especially related to how they do or don’t apply to your life. Is it taboo to do something outside of cultural norms? Would you be judged? Would you be shunned? Sometimes people living outside of cultural restrictions are even disowned.

Learn where the boundaries are between cultural demands and what you authentically seek out of life. It’s healthy to recognize these differences. It leads to the ability to say no. It leads to finding a sense of self after living under restrictive cultural mandates that may have been a barrier to peace, joy and the freedom to connect with ourselves. It leads to embracing the parts of culture that define us and separate from the ones that are enforced upon us.

Is There a Sadness In Your Parents You Can’t Quite Understand?

December 10, 2024

Your parents may also have difficulty identifying what it is. But then, when you think about it, they left everything they knew, and likely most everyone they knew, to find opportunity. That was their main goal. Opportunity. And really it can be translated to mean deep sacrifice, even sacrifice of connecting with themselves.

So everything else takes second place. I often wonder if my parents had time to grieve. But I think I know the answer. Many had little time to pause, breathe, rest, in the ways they deserved. And may have unintentionally passed the heartache down to their children. Generational patterns, modeling, trauma, we can’t always tangibly place it, because it sits in our bones. But you know it’s there.

Work on identifying the ways you also hold a sadness, maybe for them, for yourself, for both. Take it, examine it, try to know it so you can release it. Allow it to stop here.

Four Reflections on Nurturing Your Younger Wounded Self

December 9, 2024

If you have wounds from childhood that continue to come up and you’re not sure how to address them, write down these reflections to explore what you needed back then, and how those needs have been carried into adulthood.

After you’ve reflected, and maybe written some thoughts on them, make sure to take care of your current self. Going back into childhood and exploring the hurt can feel heavy. So take a walk, a nap, talk to someone you trust, or whatever soothes your soul.

  • When you see your younger self at a moment of deepest vulnerability what does that look like? What would you want to say to yourself in that moment?
  • What is something you now understand that you would like to show the child? Maybe it was something you were very confused about back then?
  • What would you want to give yourself? Is it an object, words, an embrace?
  • Lastly, what is the one thing your younger self must absolutely know to be able to thrive going forward?

When Nothing Works for Anxiety

December 4, 2024

In many immigrant families, there is already shame about expressing emotions. But then, you work through it enough to try to address difficult feelings. But nothing seems to work. Anxiety is especially guilt-inducing because it seems as though you should be able to control how worried you become about something. But what if we were to strip away the guilt, shame and judgmental thoughts about having emotions? It would create more room to examine why nothing is working.

Often, patients come in and they say, I’ve tried everything to calm anxiety but for some reason, nothing works. And what do I say? First, let’s put all that terrible judgment aside as best as possible. Once we do that, I take a closer look at two important things, technique and consistency.

So now, let’s go over some common problems with technique around three common anxiety reduction tools.

First, breathwork. You want to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Why does this matter? Because if you’re breathing in and out through your mouth, you’re actually taking in less oxygen and feeling more lighted-headed and anxious. You may even start to feel panicky.

Meditation. You wonder whether you’re doing it wrong, which gets in the way of allowing your mind to observe thoughts that are coming in. They can be scary, ugly, weird, silly, anxiety-provoking or boring, but whatever their nature, their just thoughts. See, judgment sneaks in even when we try to keep it at bay. But there isn’t a need to judge yourself on how you’re doing. If you’re sitting and taking the time to meditate, you’re doing it well.

Journaling. You may have been told to write down your anxious thoughts so that you can move them away from you. Or that writing out your thoughts can help you process them. But then you think, what should I write? If you go blank once you open up that journal, write about anything at all. Write about how you’re hungry or sleepy or have dishes to do. Write about how you’re bloated and annoyed. Write that you can’t think of anything to write about. Write down your grocery list. As you write random things, you’ll get to what’s underneath the surface. Take your time. You’ll get there.

Now, as far as all three, consistency is key. You may have tried one or all of these a few times here and there. But have you tried them consistently, every day for a couple weeks, a couple months? If you haven’t, try one for a month. See how that feels. Then you’ll have enough data to tweak the tool a bit. Technique and consistency bring results.

If you need some guidance around this, you might find Breathe and Release, a 12 month guided calming journal helpful. Go to the contact page and request more information.

Myths about Mental Illness

August 24, 2018

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As a psychologist, I routinely hear many damaging myths about what mental health is and how treatment works. Some hold these myths to be truth, which lead them to suffer alone through deteriorating mental health.

Whether it’s due to everyday life stressors, relationship difficulties, the realities of racism, genetics, or all of the above, mental illness is real. And it requires real conversations to uncover myths and lead people who are suffering to find needed treatment.

All of us can be a part of ending stigma around mental illness. When you hear these statements, have a conversation about the facts:

“I’m weak.”

Mental illness is not a weakness in character. It’s not a reflection of some invisible strength monitor. We all experience a spectrum of emotions, everything from feeling highly emotional about difficult life events, to feeling numb. It might be because of an accumulation of circumstances we’ve experienced in the past, our biological make up or both. It is in fact a show of strength to express your emotions and seek treatment.

“I’m crazy. Something’s wrong with me.”

1 in 5 adults have had a mental health diagnosis (NAMI), and the percentage is likely higher due to people’s fears of sharing their mental health concerns. So it’s the folks who say they’re perfect who have the real problem. Life is hard and we’re human, therefore we react.

“Other people don’t feel like this.”

And how would you know this? We really have no real idea of how other people react. Even the people we’re closest with don’t know how we’re really feeling unless we tell them. So how do we know how others really react to different situations? And how does it help us to compare? And why, especially, do we assume that everyone would react the same way? We’re far too different to behave or feel the same in every situation.

“I have to hide my mental illness.”

Of course, this is your decision. Although if you decide to share with someone you trust, you may find that more people can relate with you than you thought. They or someone they know may suffer from mental illness. Some people may even be supportive and be able to give you some guidance. The reality is, there are people who don’t understand and people who do. It’s important to figure out who your trusted loved ones are.

“Medication will turn me into a zombie.”

All medications have side effects. Everyone reacts differently to each medicine based on body chemistry. Some medications cause some uncomfortable side effects when you first start taking them. The biggest question to ask yourself and your doctor is whether the benefits outweigh the side effects.

“I don’t have enough faith in God. I just need to pray more.”

I know spiritual leaders who suffer from anxiety, depression and other mental health difficulties. Does it mean they don’t have enough faith? Prayer can be powerful, however, have you been able to pray away all of the problems in your life? Do you pray rather than seek medical attention for a physical condition?

“Counseling is for white people.”

So only white people have problems? People of color tend to have a unique dynamic of stress specifically related to being people of color. Discrimination is real, people hold strange stereotypes about those who look different from them and people of color are sometimes even victims of hate. Have you ever wondered if you didn’t get a job or a promotion because of your ethnicity? Chronic worries such as these accumulate and the build up can be tremendously stressful.

“My family will be upset if they know I’m sharing our private business.”

Every family has its family business. What you’re sharing isn’t that. What you’re sharing is your business. You’re talking about how life affects you.

“It’s selfish to take care of myself.”

This is a cultural lie in much of the world, especially amongst girls and women. Your creator sees you as a jewel. You deserve to care for yourself and express your desire to have loved ones care for you as well. Also, we can’t help anyone if we’re sick.

“I don’t want to express myself in front of others.”

Everything we do is an opportunity to model behavior to others, especially those we care about the most. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to teach our children or partner that emotional expression is healthy?

“My job will find out I’m talking to a therapist.”

Does your employer know you went to the dentist last month or that you just got a refill for blood pressure medication? Therapy is highly confidential and there are very few reasons this information would need to be revealed. The first couple of sessions of treatment are usually spent reviewing how confidentiality works so that you’re very clear on how it all works.

“Asking people if they are thinking about suicide will cause them to feel suicidal.”

Simply asking this question does not cause someone to become suicidal. Either the intention is already there or it isn’t. In fact, asking about it may open up conversation and potentially save someone’s life. The National Suicide Prevention is a 24-hour hotline for anyone who needs to talk: 800-273-8255.

 

We can end the stigma of mental illness together. Please reach out to me if with questions or would like me to speak about mental health in your community.