• Mad respect to chai. Learn to make it and everything else in life falls into place.
• Spankings are bonding time.
• They’re not actually mad when they yell. That’s just how they talk.
• You’re not Indian, you’re American, that’s until you want to do American things like hang out with friends til 1am. Then they’re like, “Indians don’t go outside after 9pm.” Hmmm. I didn’t know there was a special Indian curfew.
• It’s not turn off the light, it’s off the light. It’s not turn off the TV, it’s close the TV. Keep up.
• Grades define who you are, but don’t worry, that’s only until you’re an adult. And then it’s your career. By the way, sports and art are dumb.
• Always wear super shiny clothes no matter where you’re going.
• When you’re walking around the grocery store with your really shiny Indian clothes on and people stare, you’re supposed to yell, “Hey! Vat the hell are you looking at?!”
• Stare back at people really hard whenever the opportunity arises because all Indians have this amazing genetic affinity for it. And don’t worry, you’re guaranteed to win a dirty look stare down contest any day. Boom.
• Don’t make fun of your parents’ accents for more than 2 minutes straight because even though they laugh along for a while, they’ll eventually get super offended.

“Vy are you making the fun? Ve talk beautiful English.”